Tag: Diabetes

Welcome to New York/Shake it Off

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Chelsea, right near my summer home

Welcome to New York. Now, where’s T-swift and the welcoming committee? Oh well, I guess the smiling (lol) New Yorkers will have to do.

As the summer begins I find myself reflecting on the past few months. This year teemed with ups and downs, and all around lows and highs. Basically every two weeks I jetted off to another place, another adventure, location and new people. This time, I call  New York City home for the next few months, until I begin my senior year of college (hides under blanket in denial).

After the highs of life abroad, the lows seem to hit quite hard these last few weeks. I’m not one for feelings or emotions (ok I have a ton but I don’t like talking about them–duh), but this last week proved one full of anger, resentment and overall sadness towards diabetes. I will admit, for the most part I am proud of the way I’ve dealt with such a prognosis. However, the fact that this disease does not have a cure keeps crawling into the edges of my mind, my happy days, my sad days–it’s always there. Who knew that the biggest constant in my life these days would be this frustrating, irritating, occasionally painful, uncomfortable, dangerous-yet-manageable, disease.

After one year, I can honestly say I am already sick of diabetes and all of its complications. I am sick of the (thankfully) small scars on my legs, stomach, arms, and hips. I am tired of changing my pumps, people’s stares and questioning looks if my pump shows. The occasional accidental bump into one of my pumps, causing a momentary panic on my part in wondering if anything fell off.

I am  aware that things could be worse. However, I am learning that this train of thought does not do much to assuage my fears and pain–physical or emotional. I find myself feeling somewhat less for acknowledging my struggles with diabetes–something that researchers and doctors continue to make strides in every day. Not to mention, I am blessed with caring family, friends, and amazing doctors. I look back over the last year with diabetes and could not imagine changing anything. Ok, maybe I regret a cupcake here and there, but at least I know that I am still giving it my all. Even when I feel like the weight of the disease and my associated anxieties keeps pushing me down, I know that at the end of the day I’ll stand tall against whatever weighs down on me. I know this because that’s how my parents raised me, that’s the Goldman way.

Like they say, this too shall pass. But even in the saddest of moments, I find myself hopeful for the future, for a cure, or at least a less invasive way of managing the disease on an hourly basis.

In the wise words of my father and (later) Taylor Swift, I guess you just gotta shake it off.

So while I’m shaking (hopefully not because of low blood sugar) it off, I’ll continue to seek care until the cure.

Stay tuned for some New York posts!

Stay classy and cool peeps

xoxo

Happy? Anniversary

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It's been a year?!

It’s been a year?!

This week marks my one year anniversary with diabetes.  365 days.

In some ways I think that I’m lucky, only having had the disease for one year. Plenty of type 1 diabetics my age live with the disease, and have lived with it, for the majority of their lives. I’m not going to lie, that induces a level of anxiety in me that I would probably deny. That being said, this last year proves one of the worst (RIP pancreas) best (abroad, new friends, getting another amazing opportunity to intern in NYC, traveling) of my life. I’ve lost my carefree days and settled for the adult lifestyle a tad earlier than I would’ve liked. I make decisions everyday that determine my future health, which is probably dramatic but also on a realistic level, true.

I constantly remind myself that I can bounce back from this, live with this, because I know people who live with worse, and that’s not self-deprecating or minimizing the disease or what I am going through–it’s merely fact.

A lifetime with diabetes looks like a walk in Hyde park (UGH I miss London) compared to any one of the countless other diseases millions of people live with every day. That being said, I do struggle with the idea of my family checking the box at the doctors office when asked if a family member has diabetes. This disease affects more than me. It affects my friends and everyone around me–something I’m reminded of every time someone mentions cake or cookies, or sugar in general and my family and friends look up at me, in an “I know you can’t eat it and I feel so bad for you” kind of way.

I find myself smirking every time I think of this one year mark as an “anniversary.” I mean, come on. Aren’t anniversaries supposed to be a good event, marking the passing of time since a happy occasion? Or maybe that’s just my quixotic view of the world, and the word. But also, the term “honeymooning.” I mean, tell me if I’m wrong (and I tend to be on occasion… el oh el) but when the doctor explained to me that my pancreas was/is honeymooning, i literally laughed out loud. I wanted to reply with, well who’s footing that bill? And can it come back from vacation and do its damn job?

Apparently, that meant that it occasionally worked, but was on its way out (which can last for up to five years or something like that. Not fun.) So, dear diabetes, please stop ruining words for me. Especially the “c” word: cake. I miss cake. If you’ve seen me recently, I’m sure you can tell to the extent I enjoyed food abroad (damn I need to hit the gym) but even in my indulgences, I limited myself (for the most part) on what I ate in order to maintain a somewhat level blood sugar for the majority of my four months abroad.

I know this journey will be hard, the road ahead not easy, but then I think of the greatest people I know, my family, my grandparents, my inspirations. Surviving despite countless battles, and making it to another day with a smile on their faces. I aspire to be that, well… inspiring to the ones I love one day. I want to be a voice sought during a time of need. I want to be the person that brings a smile to others. I want to be someone who is more than the constant complaining and discussion of diabetes, someone that can use their voice to help those who cannot be heard. I want to be like all of the greats before me, and all of the ones that will undoubtedly come after. I want to take all of my “wants” and make them into “am.” But alas, until i’ve reached that level of self-knowledge and ability to communicate and instill a level of comfort in others, I’ll gladly take the role of some girl who writes a blog every now and then, faking it till I make it, one insulin pump at a time.

I digress.

Now that I’m back in the good old U.S. of A, Land of the Free, Home of the brave, I have so much free time. Well, that might have more to do with the fact that I am back in my hometown, pining after my Euro trip and bubbling with excitement for my summer in NYC. Not a bad life I have to say.

Stay classy and expect another post soon!

XOXO

All Over the Map (Travels and Blood Sugar Alike)

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Nice, France

Bonjour from the South of France peeps. This place is beautiful, let me tell you–between the miles of ocean and color of the buildings in the city, to the decadent Italian-meets-French food, Nice has captured my heart, and blood sugar monitor.

But seriously, this place is amazing and a must-see on anyone’s bucket list of places to visit. However, visitor be warned, this is a romantic place. I know, most of France resembles some level of romance, but being here with my twin sister (twister, if you will) is hilarious. I guess the main plus to navigating the rocky beaches and steep hills with my twister is that my snarky/bitter/hopefully-witty comments are not lost on her. That, or she does a really good job of pretending to like my jokes. Sister love aside, (EL OH EL we fight all of the time, like we just fought an hour ago and probably the hour before that and basically we fight in our sleep, but it comes from such a loving place. Ugh I have the best family) Nice is, well… magnifique.

Of course, the omnipresent diabetes managed to creep in like a dark cloud over the last few days. Having to monitor what I eat so closely irritates me, especially whilst abroad. That being said, I have clearly been letting that slide (if my snapchats weren’t a giveaway to all of my snap-friends).

It’s a bummer having to consider and calculate/estimate the carbohydrates in everything I put into my body. Even more than that, that feeling, a pang of failure when I inevitably mess something up by giving myself the wrong estimated dose, and either have to binge to bring my sugar up, or drink more water than Sea-biscuit post race to try to dilute whatever mess I just ate (odds are, I enjoyed every bite). I digress. Diabetes sucks, this is no news to you or me, but sometimes a nice little rant can help anyone breathe a little easier after the whirlwind of pentup frustration tumbles out like when I opened my over-stuffed carry-on suitcase a few days ago. No idea how I fit everything in there. In fact, I’m not entirely sure everything will go back in. Any who, these are my late night thoughts.

As I sit here, a pump on either hip–feeling completely bionic, I just keep reminding myself that at least I have access to this technology, medication, medical attention, loving family and friends who make the days brighter and the ups and downs of diabetes a little more manageable. So, while I curse myself internally for deciding to give myself bionic hips instead of just putting my other pump on my arm (I refuse to give up my sleeveless tops!) I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to lay down tonight. This should be interesting. Oh well, at least I’m in Nice and heading to Monaco for the day tomorrow! Always a bright side people!

Lookout for a returning home post next week! My days abroad are numbered, and while I can’t wait to return home and see the people that mean the most to me, I have to say Europe, specifically London (yeah I consider it Europe as does the EU, sue me people!) added a piece to my heart that can never be changed or broken or tainted, forever cementing this amazing experience to my memory.

Wow I talk a lot.

Stay classy and don’t forget your sunscreen ladies and gents! (Lol, do boys even read this blog?)

xoxo

A Different Type of Low (Or, one in the same)

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I guess it takes a while for ideas and realities to set in–I’m learning that through every alarm beep of my cgm (continuous glucose monitor), new scar on my legs, arms and hips. With every highest high and lowest low of my blood sugar, a small piece of my past ebbs away and a newer, finger pricked-filled future replaces the carefree days of cake and fruit and chips and…. well…carbohydrates.

I shouldn’t complain–knowing that I am fortunate enough to have such a controllable disease with amazing doctors and family to support me along the way. But today, a coworker asked me a simple, kind hearted question that sparked the muffled flame inside of me that belongs to the idea that this is temporary. She asked something like, “How did you deal with that? Such a lifelong idea? How did you feel about that?”

Woah. How did I deal with that? I’m really not a big crier when it comes to sad things. I know, you’re probably reading this and thinking, what else could make you cry?! Well, friend, I am an angry crier. It’s like my tear ducts are connected to that burning sensation in your chest when something really makes you angry. Any who, I realized that I have not entirely dealt with the prognosis. I’ve accepted the fact that I have this disease, that my pancreas is not pulling its weight (so to speak) and that I have no other choice than to live with this. I did not even understand her question when she first inquired towards my state of mind after such a life-altering thing as Diabetes. I never thought, oh, I can’t do this. Sure, I say that all the time in a joking matter, but the fact of life is that we don’t really have a valid choice when it comes to surviving. I never cried because I refuse to believe that some genius out there will not find a cure sometime in the next 60 years. I refuse to entertain the idea that out of the 7 billion people on earth, millions of dollars invested in research and technology, and minds, out of all of these positive factors, one singular great positive cannot be reached. I know that someday someone will find a cure. Just like someone found a vaccine for polio, the mumps, and every other diseases from time passed. I do not want to pass this gene on to any children I might have in the (fairly distant) future. I do not wish this on my worst enemy.

As I reach the 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, the rose colored glasses come off, and a sense of acceptance hits me with the pang as deep as seeing a beautiful cupcake that I cannot have, or the realization that gone are the days of carefree, spontaneity.

Despite my feelings of loss (RIP pancreas) for the old days, I still find myself inherently optimistic. I am not naive enough to think that I will be cured in the next 5 years, but I have hope that someday soon I won’t have to pull my shirtsleeve down over my pump so people won’t ask questions, or stare at my already formed scars on my legs and hips from my helpful, occasionally painful, and always elusive pumps.

So, I guess, it really isn’t all apples and icing, but maybe carrots and hummus isn’t too bad either?

Stay tuned for a recap on my adventures in Scotland and the last few weeks in London.

Le Sigh, I love it here, even if diabetes remains a foreign technological concept to airport security (that’s a rant for a different day).

Stay beautiful and classy, and yourself!

XOXO

Every Girl needs a happy place. Peeking back but Looking forward.

Every Girl needs a happy place. Peeking back but Looking forward.

Copenhangin’ but can’t Fly

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Sorry It’s been so long since i’ve posted! Anywho,I spent last weekend in Copenhagen, Denmark.

I love Copenhagen.

Although the language proved beyond my comprehension or ability to even decipher the letters used by the natives, Copenhagen captured my heart and froze my toes. Although I do have to admit that I was quite sick during my  holiday, it did not put an overall damper on my time in Denmark.

Nyhaven

Nyhaven

I spent the days walking around Copenhagen with my friends and eating good food. We went on a canal tour, saw the “mermaid”… well I didn’t but my friends did (I was actually pretty sick).

However, the trip home proved an obstacle of its own.

Story time:

Diabetes supplies are expensive, heavy, bulky and necessary for my survival. I had no problem carrying my average-sized carryon onto the plane on the way to Copenhagen, but upon my arrival at the airport from Copenhagen back to London, I immediately was told to check my bag. Well, I could not check my bag, as it had all of my necessary diabetes equipment in it, including my insulin that needed to be kept at a stable temperature.

Commence minor panic attack.

I have never been so thoroughly mistreated by an airline. Norwegian Air yelled at me, chastised me, refused to let me speak to a supervisor, then once they did, she proceeded to yell at me as well. I know I can be less than levelheaded at times- but when it comes to my health I don’t mess around. No one would see reason, including prohibiting me from gate-checking my bag so as to ensure I would have my supplies at hand up until boarding time.

I was then told that they “don’t do that”… even though they did. I was forced to check my bag. I had to take out as much of my supplies as I could, and carry them (loose) onto the plane. Although I am lucky that they did not loose my bag, the entire experience left me upset and shocked at the lack of understanding of such a common disease. Anywho, moral of the story: Don’t fly Norwegian Air.

Re-reading this, perhaps it’s something that you had to be there to understand. Oh well, sharing is caring, right? Sorry for the rant.

Look for another post sometime this week!

Stay warm and beautiful

-XO

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